Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt Back Together??

Gosh, it seems like just yesterday we were reporting on how Spencer Pratt admitted he failed miserably as a husband. No, sillies, it wasn’t yesterday! That was a whole weekend ago! Yep, two days ago Spencer was proclaiming to the world what a bad husband he is, and here is news that these two media hungry reality has beens are back together. Now, I am not a religious woman. But today’s news that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are back together makes me want to crumble to my knees, tears in my eyes, and raise my voice to the heavens, praising the goodness and sweetness of any deities that ensured that this perfect love would remain intact. It’s really quite a miracle. A miracle of miracles, even. Just when you think all hope is lost for the perfectest and prettiest and most golden couple to ever exist, they realize that they are, in fact, meant to be. He says his 12-hour detainment at a Costa Rica airport for arms possession has given him the chance he always wanted to reconcile, and described his time there as the “wildest day ever of either of our lives” leading to sparked hope that she might drop her divorce filing. He told the Huffington Post:

“It was clear we’re soulmates. I don’t see any reason we can’t get back on track.”

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, am I right? Anyway, the world is totally a better place today. Despite global warming, humanitarian disaster in Pakistan, clashes in Kabul, disease, famine, etc. I feel pretty darn good about everything! Thank you, Heidi and Spencer, for improving the quality of my life so hard.

Apparently Spencer Pratt “Failed Spectacularly”

In other news, the sky is blue and birds are pretty. Shall we state the obvious? This is something we’ve been saying all along Spencer. There. It’s been said. But since he’s finally admitted it….so the story goes…Spencer Pratt has issued a public apology to soon-to-be-ex-wife Heidi Montag, admitting that he “let her down” and caused her undue “pain and suffering.” According to People.com, Pratt offered the following mea culpa:

“Divorce can be a trying, draining, and emotionally devastating experience for all involved. Despite these hardships, most individuals manage to conduct themselves with dignity and maturity. I did not – I failed spectacularly. I horribly embarrassed the one person that meant the world to me. For my outrageous and infantile behavior, I offer Heidi my most sincere apologies.”

That’s sweet and everything, Spencer, but it begs two pressing questions: 1.) If you are now straying from infantile behavior and are hoping to be dignified and mature, why are you offering an apology via such an insanely public forum? Why not contact her through her lawyer to offer your sincerest sorries, like every other failing husband in America. How about writing an actual pen-to-paper letter, spraying it with Embrace Chaos cologne and sealing it with a kiss direct from your fuzzy goatbeardy face? And b.) Where’s OUR apology, Spencer Pratt? We have not suffered inconsiderably, you know! We’ve had to deal with the daily ins and outs of your trashy boring self and your trashy boring wife being boring and trashy. So feel free to apologize to us whenever for your spectacular failures as they relate to the public and also immediately drop off the face of the earth (and out of the tabloids) forevermore. See? That wasn’t so bad! Off you go, Spencer. Forgiven as the wind!

Teresa Giudice to Teach Women "How To Have It All"

Note to THG readers: while it may seem as though the following story is too ludicrous to be real, every word is as depressingly true as Angelina Pivarnick's attempt to rap is hilariously awful. Consider yourself warned.
On January 10, Teresa Giudice will host a seminar in New York City that will "teach women how to have it all," according to a press release.

If plan on paying for advice from Teresa Giudice, go find a toilet, drop bills into it and press flush. It will take less time and be equally worthwhile.

In a blurb hyping the event, scheduled for the Learning Annex in midtown Manhattan, Giudice is described as a "hero to modern women” who manages to “make time to make homemade meals” despite her schedule.

We repeat: we are NOT making this up.

It will cost people who seriously need to re-evaluate their lives fans $44.95 to attend.

“Whether you want to get on a reality TV show, write a book, start and run a business, change careers, this inspiring evening with a woman who has 377,000 online followers will get you going in the right direction,” the blurb reads. “Teresa will talk about marketing yourself, dealing with difficult people, working with the press, and she will share juicy details about what goes on behind the scenes of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

In news that some may consider relevant to this "hero," Teresa recently got into a blowout with her brother, is millions of dollars in debt and stands accused of hiding assets from the government.

Paris Hilton Makes Headlines.......again!!

Well, if it weren’t for Paris Hilton, you have to wonder just how Vegas hotel mogul Cy Waits would make headlines, at least he would have to wonder. If it weren’t for Paris he would be just another guy with just another DUI under his belt. These two just can’t seem to stay out of trouble though, but that’s what happens when you live a lifestyle that involves drug trafficking and DUI’s. The most recent incident surrounding these two involves a hit and run with some paparazzi. And you know how annoying they can be, especially if your name is Paris. To deliver those priceless shots of celebrities sitting impatiently in their cars, the paparazzi go to extraordinary lengths. One woman, known only as Carol, says she had her leg run over by Paris Hilton’s boyfriend, Cy Waits, last night while draped across their car. Truly heroic. The ages must know Paris Hilton went out for dinner at Boa! Cy, who is already in enough trouble after he was busted for a D.U.I. in Vegas last month, was waiting to drive home with Paris after a night out at the West Hollywood steakhouse Boa. When photographers wouldn’t clear a path, he accelerated, knocking over the American hero herself, Carol. Cy did stop long enough to roll down his window and ask if she was okay, Radar reports. Someone told him she was, and so off Cy and Paris sped into the night. But apparently she wasn’t so okay, because an ambulance took her to the hospital, so someone else could put a band-aid on the scrape she got on her knee. Once Paris was safely dropped off at home with her many, many puppies and dozens of self-portraits, Cy came back to the scene of the scraping and answered questions for police. He was charged with a hit and run, according to TMZ, although Radar disagrees, reporting that no charges have been filed. Meanwhile, Paris stayed at home and funnelled her rage into more creative pursuits, yes that means Twitter. “Lovely evening with friends and family ruined by aggressive paparazzi,” she Tweeted. “They are literally insane!” Yikes, I actually agree with Paris. That’s unusual. If I start stashing animals in a handbag, please put Dina Lohan in charge of my conservatorship.

Taylor Momsen on Sucking: It's My Parents' Fault!

Reflecting on why she's the way she is, Taylor Momsen blames her parents for robbing her of a healthy childhood, insisting they are the reason she's so miserable.
The Gossip Girl star, model and lead singer of The Pretty Reckless said, "Everyone's like, 'Wow, why is she upset and why is she so miserable about things?'"
"My parents signed me up with Ford [modeling agency] at the age of two," she lamented. "No two-year-old wants to be working, but I had no choice."

SAD GOTHIC BARBIE: It's Taylor Momsen's parents' fault!!!

The 17-year-old continued, "My whole life, I was in and out of school. I didn't have any friends. I was working constantly and I didn't have a real life."
Poor thing.
Don't get us wrong, it starts with upbringing. But it's hard to imagine her parents are pleased with - or responsible for - Taylor Momsen topless concert appearances or magazine shoots with guns and lingerie. That's on you, T.

Halle Berry Will Soon Have Paris

This is how these whirlwind romances go when you have enough money to do anything and go anywhere, you get to make these fly by the seat of your pants decisions without really thinking too much. We almost wonder if Halle Berry is rushing a little too soon into things, but then again, this may be actual true love, who are we to knock it. But Halle has said that she is so *gush gush* over her new French man, she may just move to Paris. And why not? Once you go French, you never… unclench? Ok, so maybe that phrase doesn’t work for everything. But after having a daughter with Montreal model Gabriel Aubry, two-year-old Nahla, Halle Berry does seem to have developed a francophone fetish. She was overheard saying she might move to Paris, the Chicago Sun Times reports, presumably to be closer to her French actor boyfriend Olivier Martinez. Halle has been dating Olivier, who was Diane Lane’s temptation in Unfaithful and Kylie Minogue’s long-time lover in real life, since they filmed the movie Dark Tide together in South Africa this summer. Since then, they’ve been spotted multiple times around Paris, as well as hanging out in L.A., where Olivier met Halle’s mother. Even though they’re currently in L.A., stepping out Thursday night to a party at a Hollywood art gallery, Halle’s earthly possessions are already at Olivier’s in France. She was seen hauling enough luggage “to last at least a year” into his flat during her last visit, a source tells the Sun Times. What? She’s supposed to just let her Oscar sit around an empty house unappreciated? She pretended to be attracted to Billy Bob for that thing!

Kendra Wilkinson Continues to Mislead the Public

Kendra Wilkinson is not exactly the most talented celebrity on the planet.
Therefore, in order to garner attention for the new season of her E! reality show, the centerfold has resorted to simply misleading the public regarding events in her life. For example:

• Kendra made a huge deal out of NOT posing for Playboy again. Was this technically true? Yes. Is she on the cover of that magazine's holiday issue? Yes.
• Kendra gave an interview in which she whined about being a single parent. Is she? Of course not. She's wealthy and married and simply lives apart from her husband for a few weeks per year.

Now, Wilkinson is at it again. Pictured on the cover of In Touch Weekly, the giant-boobed blonde says baby number-two is "on the way." Does this mean she's pregnant? No, it's tabloid 101, folks. On the way could mean that one will arrive at some point in the future... maybe.

Kendra Wilkinson is pregnant... with lies about her life!